Our choices are the clearest indication of our intent. The ability to make our own choices is one of very few powers we carry as human beings, but it is also the most valuable one.
We choose where we want to go, when to start, how we plan on getting there, what steps to take, and who to surround ourselves with in the process.
Our intent exists in why we make these choices and the purpose we are serving.
My purpose in life is to be happy and love passionately. It is to release myself from judgement and shame so that I can exist with the sole intention of loving unconditionally and being loved by people who value kindness and heart, as well.
In 2020, I accepted many uncomfortable truths. I was so comfortable within my familiar walls that it blinded me from the truth of my unhappiness. I had no idea of what I was doing or wanted to do, and my life seemed almost directionless. My self-doubt was suffocating, my grief was relentless, and the monotony of every day started weighing down on me. Not knowing where I will be tomorrow, let alone in ten years, caused an immense amount of anxiety.
There was a moment when I realized that it was necessary to walk unpleasant paths to discover the beauty within them. I had to decide between hiding in my blanket for eternity or facing my fears right now.
The first would keep me in the same place forever, and the second promised the possibility of something new. The future is unknown, and the unknown can be scary. But I was exhausted of feeling stuck and needed to find my way out.
Facing my fears started with making numerous impulsive decisions. Hesitation allowed space for my insecurities to seep in, but impulsivity allowed me to fully throw myself into unknown situations. I had two choices at all times: tap out or stick it out.
This was the first test of my resilience and my limits.
I initially didn't know what it means to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Now I understand that it means recognizing how your body responds to uncomfortable situations. From negative self talk to my racing heart, I learned to slowly neutralize all of my reactions and shift my perspective in each circumstance.
An uncomfortable situation is only uncomfortable because of the unknown. I started by unpacking what I could, acknowledging that there was much I needed to uncover, and immersing myself in the wonderful experience of learning.
As time passed, I transformed from a girl who was hindered by self-rejection into one who gives people the opportunity to say "yes" by at least trying. The girl who faced several rejections started a path of self discovery that led to major career wins in 2020.
I have started taking steps more intentionally, making moves that strive towards growth, and making choices without regret. These efforts will define my first chapter of 2021.
I made a choice with the intent of saving myself, and I grew so much stronger in the process. I still have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm working towards, but as I slowly start to discover this, I'm falling in love with not knowing what will happen tomorrow.
Today, I am happy. Tomorrow's uncertainty is my friend. We are playing a game of chess. I make the first move; she makes the next. Her moves are dependent upon mine.
Choices.
EDIT: I initially published this piece in January but removed it recently to refresh my page. However, it is an important part of my journey. It would not be fair to my past self if I removed this documentation of my mentality from earlier this year. So, enjoy this repost in the voice of a very hopeful version of me from January of 2021.
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