I want to start writing more about the lessons grief has taught me over the past few years, and I think this is a great place to start.
In 2019, I lost my best friend and have often spent time reflecting upon our friendship.
I didn't often show it, because I didn't know how to, but I loved her immensely.
By contrast, she made sure EVERYONE knew that SHE was my best friend and I was hers. (I loved that about her.)
Someone once rather insensitively joked that she "forced" our friendship onto me, mistaking my quietness and subtle forms of expression as a lack of care being reciprocated towards her "excess" of it.
And it went to her head, making her feel insecure about our friendship. The truth is, I showed my care in ways that weren't obvious to her.
So, we had a conversation about love languages.
I wanted to learn hers so that I could start showing my appreciation and reciprocating her love in ways that reassured her that she is my best friend, too.
I wasn't trying to prove anything to her or the world; this was simply my way of becoming better at showing that I care.
It was weird at first, doing things that didn't quite make sense to me, but I was slowly getting better at it.
While learning her love language, I also made sure to communicate mine as well. So that even if I couldn't express it in her way, she would recognize my care through my subtle ways, too, and be confident about our friendship.
When she passed, I was still working on myself. Not being able to fully become the best friend she wanted made me feel as if I wasn't enough. I was really hard on myself.
But I realized that she would be so incredibly proud of me.
I wasn't a bad best friend. I was the best possible friend that I could be, given what I knew. And I'm committed to continue working on myself in the ways she taught me to so that I can be a better friend for the people I'm blessed to still have around.
I can't blame my 17, 18, or 19 year old self for not knowing how to express love. She was learning, and I am proud of who she has become.
We are constantly growing, and there are going to be moments within our growth that we aren't necessarily proud of. We are meant to focus on how far we have come - not the beginning or end, but the journey to getting from there to here.
There's a deeper lesson here: We are constantly evolving, and we are not defined by the people we once were.
We can't change our past selves, but we can look to them for insight on how far we have come. We can learn from them and use those lessons to improve upon who we are right now.
No matter what doubts arise about yourself, keep going. Keep doing better.
Not for the world to see, but for you to be.
Growth is the goal.
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